The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
:rtfl: :rtfl:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
:rtfl: :rtfl:
travder92
Club Captain
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2006
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
roflmfao...great joke mate.
Master Khan
National Board President
LUMB_YORKSHIRE
Club Cricketer
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
Great joke KBC! Hahaha
travder92
Club Captain
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2006
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
siddharth2002
National Board President<br /><a href="showthread.
Well, how many Aussies does it take to change a light bulb?
100, 1 to change it and other 99 to watch and say, "Good on ya mate!!"
HairCut@ WoMen Vs MEn!!!!
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
> >==================================
> >Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
> >Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
> >I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
> >Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but
> >I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
> >Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
> >could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
> >think. I
>was
> >actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my
>long
> >neck.
> >Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
> >to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
> >Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
> >shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
> >see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes
> >to fit me so much easier.
> >
> >
> >
> >NOW TWO MEN TALKING
> >======================================
> >Man 1: Haircut?
> >Man 2: Yeah.
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
> >==================================
> >Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
> >Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
> >I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
> >Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but
> >I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
> >Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
> >could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
> >think. I
>was
> >actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my
>long
> >neck.
> >Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
> >to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
> >Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
> >shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
> >see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes
> >to fit me so much easier.
> >
> >
> >
> >NOW TWO MEN TALKING
> >======================================
> >Man 1: Haircut?
> >Man 2: Yeah.
hehehe 
women.... always talking..
here's another one..
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is David and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
women.... always talking..here's another one..
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is David and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
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