The Jokes Thread

[Abhas]

Q. How many Apple employees does it take to change the light bulb??
A. One. He will hold the bulb and expect the universe to revolve around him...

Another one :

Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change the light bulb??
A. None. Bill Gates has declared "Darkness" the new standard

 

[Pakistani Army]

This is what you you say to a person you fancy

You: Hi there. Is your dad a terrorist...because he made such a sex-bomb and that is you.

 

[sd92]

Lol. That's a good one Amir.

 

[Animator!]

This morning I received a phone call from an ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' Wow! I was flabbergasted.


'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.


She teased me saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself.'










So I told her to **** off.

 

[Adarsh]

Hahaha !

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Hahaha!! That made me laugh out loud, literally! And not many jokes do that to me, mind.

 

[Bilal91]

HAHAHAHA...that was a good un mate...here are some others that made me laugh...

Superman was flying around Metropolis. He was feeling really horny and wasn't quite sure what to do about it (this was before he was shacking up with Lois).

He glanced down at one point and saw Wonder Woman sprawled out naked in the park. Superman saw an opportunity here. He thought that if he was fast enough he could do Wonder Woman and she'd never know what hit her.

So he swooped down into the park, did the deed with super speed, an flew back towards the heavans. Wonder Woman looked around and gasped, "By Hera, what was that?"






































The invisible man replied, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me!"

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone
just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down.

A woman is in line at the grocery store putting her groceries on the conveyor belt. The rough looking man behind her is watching her do this.

She puts some bacon, some eggs and some milk down on the belt.

The man behind her says, "You must be single."

Confused, the woman looks at the man, then at her groceries, then back to the man and says , "Well yes I am, but how did you know?"

The man replies, "Cause you are really ugly."

A Man goes into a bar and sits down, he sees a sign that says "Ask about free drinks for life" so he casually asks the bartender. The bartender says "Well no one has ever done it but what have to do is drink this entire bottle of pepper vodka, then help the alligator out back with his bad tooth before going upstairs to the please the lady who has never had an orgasm." The guy goes back to drinking but after a couple drinks he gets up, downs the vodka and heads out back to the alligator. Everyone in the bar stops talking and listens. They hear a loud chomp, the man screams and then there is a lot of russling around before they hear the most god awful inhuman sound they've ever heard, then complete silence. They all hang their heads for a moment of silence when the door bursts open and the man walks out, his clothes tattered. He stumbles over to the bartender and says "now where'd you say that woman with the bad tooth was?"

A teacher decides to play a game with her class. She says, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's red and round and shiny." Little Timmy in the front row says, "It's an apple!" The teacher says, "No I'm sorry, but I like the way you think. Let's try again. OK... I'm holding something else behind my back. It's yellow and long and curved." Timmy says, "It's a banana!" "No, I'm sorry, it's not. But I like the way you think."
Timmy says, "Fine let me try! I'm holding something in my pocket. It's long and hard and it has a head." The teacher is appaled at this and yells, "GO to the principals office now! I can't believe you would think of that!" Timmy says, "Ha. Nope it's not that... but I like the way you think "

Two redneck guys are sitting in the hospital waiting room. The first guy gets called back and returns after a few minutes. He's crying and holding his finger. The second man asks, "What's wrong?" The first man replies, "I had to give a blood sample and they cut my finger!" The second man thinks for a second, then he starts crying! The first man is suprised and asks him why he's crying. "Well, I'm here for a urine sample!"

 

[Karachi Xpress]

HAHAHAHAHA! Redneck is so awesome!

 

[Bilal91]

lol...yeah...heres one i made myself...

Sean Paul goes out and buys her girlfriend a christmas present but gives it to her in a shopping bag.

When his girl friend recieves the present she asks Sean Paul why it is in a shopping bag.

"Well i am really sorry dear but i can't 'RAP'".
Sean Paul replies.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

lol...yeah...heres one i made myself...

Lol...That was funny too....:rtfl

 

[Bilal91]

lol...thanks...

 

[Gilly Fan]

LOL! at the superman one.

I literally lol.

 

[icyman]

Guy : i dont think we can get married
Girl : Why ? Did you meet my dad ?
Guy: Nah ! I met ur sister !

 

[Bilal91]

lol...nice one...

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Just read that teacher one Bilal. Its awesome. I cant stop laughing! :rtfl