The Jokes Thread

[Bilal91]

here are some others...

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for viagra. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 viagra can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagra, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him viagra it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the viagra that killed him ,it was all that dammed skipping'.

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

 

[Karachi Xpress]

HAHAHAHAHA! The 3rd one is awesome. Such a stupid guy:rtfl

 

[SciD]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

 

[Karachi Xpress]

HAHAHA. Nice one Sid:rtfl

 

[mattfb]

here are some others...

That 3rd one is hilarious!!

 

[SciD]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says,"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her$50.The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.




A blonde is walking down a creek. While she's looking around she notices another blonde walking along the other side of the creek. She yells to the other blonde. "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The other blonde replies, "You are on the other side!"





Q. Why shouldn't blondes get coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.


Q. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A. Arificial intelligence.

 

[Bilal91]

"Sir Alex Ferguson goes to the Emirates because he wants to see how Arsenal's young guns play so well. Arsene Wenger tells him that he asks the players hard questions to keep them sharp. Wenger calls over Theo Walcott and says "Theo, he is not your brother, but he is your father's son. Who is he?" Theo says, "that's easy boss, it's me!" So Fergie goes back to Old Trafford and asks Rio Ferdinand the same question. Rio says, "Uhhhh boss, can I answer that tomorrow?" Sir Alex agrees and Rio phones up David Beckham in the US and asks him the question. He replies, "that's easy, it's me!" So Rio goes back to OT and Fergie says "have you figured it out now?" Rio replies "yeah, that's easy, it's David Beckham!" and Ferguson says "no you idiot, it's Theo Walcott!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Karachi Xpress]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Great one Bilal!:rtfl

 

[CricketPlayer55]

Oh, I know some jokes. And I'll tell 'em all.


Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Barbie
Barbie who?
Barbie Q

Another one
Docter Docter! I have 59 seconds to live!
Just a minute!

What's the perfect thing you can use when your in battle and a guy is firing you?
A block!


Here's another
What do you call a T-rex in cowboy boots?
Tyrannasaurus Tex!


What do you call a T-rex which destroy's everything in it's path?
Tyrannasaurus Wrechs!

and...ummmm....I think that's it.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Nice ones dude. The Doctor one was funny!:rtfl

 

[Karachi Xpress]

the virgin joke
Body: virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

 

[SciD]

:rtfl Superb

 

[SciD]

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY!

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.



AN ENGLISH/CHINESE INTERPRETOR

• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

 

[SciD]

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says ?I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.?
?WHAT!?? says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth 200 dollars each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says ?You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it.?
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, ?I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier.?
The husband stops and says, ?No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now.? The wife`s face goes blank. ?Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.?
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, ?You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.?

 

[Will_NA]

Ramzz, the first line of your joke is legendary.