The Jokes Thread

[Karachi Xpress]

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

 

[Cricketdude]

Hahahahahahaha :laugh :rtfl:rtfl:rtfl

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

10 It's Legal To Play Hockey Proffesionally
9 The Puck Is Always Hard
8 The Protective Equipment Is Reusable, And You Don't Even Have To Wash It
7 It Lasts A Full Hour
6 You Know You're Finished When The Buzzer Sounds
5 Periods Last Only 20 Minutes
4 A 2-On-1 And A 3-On-1 Is Not Uncommon
3 You Can Count On It At Least Twice A Week
2 Your Parents Cheer When You Score
1 You Can Tell Your Friends About





One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"

His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...

"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

 

[Ricky_Ponting]

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"














A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

[Karachi Xpress]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

 

[Ricky_Ponting]

A good one there ramzz

 

[Jaztheman]

Q): How do you get four Liberal Demicratss to sit on one bar stool?
A): Turn it upside down!

--------------------

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, can't get a hard on. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a stiffy." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[Karachi Xpress]

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

_________________________

2019 World Cup – News Headlines!

Coach Sehwag to be sacked after India’s defeat over Mongolia.
“Tendulkar should consider quitting” – Rahul Dravid
Pathan touches 60 mph!!!
VVS Laxman – “I still hope for a spot in the team in 2023”
North Korea don’t want to take minnows Pakistan lightly
Former Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq – “Boys is not plays with heart”
Flintoff publishes 7th autobiography – “How I got drunk!”
Security increased outside Sehwag’s mithai shop after India’s defeat!

 

[KBC]

Miracle

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Lol....Nice one KBC!:laugh

 

[Cricketdude]

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

_________________________

2019 World Cup ? News Headlines!

Coach Sehwag to be sacked after India?s defeat over Mongolia.
?Tendulkar should consider quitting? ? Rahul Dravid
Pathan touches 60 mph!!!
VVS Laxman ? ?I still hope for a spot in the team in 2023?
North Korea don?t want to take minnows Pakistan lightly
Former Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq ? ?Boys is not plays with heart?
Flintoff publishes 7th autobiography ? ?How I got drunk!?
Security increased outside Sehwag?s mithai shop after India?s defeat!

LOL the second one is brill.

 

[King Pietersen]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend thinks for a moment and then asks the genie for a million quid.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million quid.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million squid falling all around is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million quid not a million squids!!

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic do you?"

 

[usy]

lol.. good one man, keep up.

Q): How do you get four Liberal Demicratss to sit on one bar stool?
A): Turn it upside down!

--------------------

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, can't get a hard on. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a stiffy." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

lol

 

[King Pietersen]

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God:

".....What can I get for a rib?"