Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Nice one Rohit! :laugh
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
Jaztheman
Chairman of Selectors
Q)What does a Newcastle fan do after they have just beaten Real Madrid?
A)Turns his Playstation off and gets back into bed with his sister
----------------
Difference between Men & Women
Womans Diary
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
MAN'S DIARY:
Arsenal lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
A)Turns his Playstation off and gets back into bed with his sister
----------------
Difference between Men & Women
Womans Diary
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
MAN'S DIARY:
Arsenal lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
Kiko_97
User Title Purchaser
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2007
- Profile Flag
- England
Hillarious Dialogue in school today
Boy in class coughing
Kieron: Die quietly
Wil: and with dignity as if you dont you go down there(points to the floor)
Kieron:What the basement, And if you die with dignity you go to the loft.
Wil: (laughs like mad)
Boy in class coughing
Kieron: Die quietly
Wil: and with dignity as if you dont you go down there(points to the floor)
Kieron:What the basement, And if you die with dignity you go to the loft.
Wil: (laughs like mad)
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
Lol both of them are great. I like the second one though.
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Lol...Nice one Jaz. Love the first one:laugh
A rich woman calls her butler into her room.
Woman - Jenkins,remove my dress.
Jenkins removes her dress
Woman- Now,remove my stockings...
Jenkins removes the womans stockings....
Woman- And finally Jenkins,remove my underwear.
Jenkins does remove her underwear.
Woman,angrily-If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again,you'll be fired.
Woman - Jenkins,remove my dress.
Jenkins removes her dress
Woman- Now,remove my stockings...
Jenkins removes the womans stockings....
Woman- And finally Jenkins,remove my underwear.
Jenkins does remove her underwear.
Woman,angrily-If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again,you'll be fired.
Kev
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2004
- Online Cricket Games Owned
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan
Jaztheman
Chairman of Selectors
Mr. Anderson goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple bags of money up his ass. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the find.
"Well," says Dr. Lieberman, "I've found £1999.99 up your arse."
"Hmmm," replies the patient, "that would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..."
-------------
Q) What is the difference between the Newcastle defence and a taxi.
A) A taxi only lets 4 in
-------------
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.
"Well," says Dr. Lieberman, "I've found £1999.99 up your arse."
"Hmmm," replies the patient, "that would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..."
-------------
Q) What is the difference between the Newcastle defence and a taxi.
A) A taxi only lets 4 in
-------------
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.
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Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Lol...The second and third ones are awesome:laugh
King Pietersen
ICC Board Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Location
- Manchester
Skater
ICC Chairman
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2004
- Profile Flag
- England
An old man hobbles into the village chemist to buy some viagara. He makes it to the counter and, out of breath, wheezes to the person there: 'Can I buy some viagara please? Can you cut it into quarters for me though?'. Puzzled, the woman says: 'Sir, you understand that by cutting the viagara into quarters you will not get a full erection'. The man snorts and says 'Young lady, I'm 96 years old, I have nothing to gain from a full erection. I just want it so I don't pee on my slippers'.
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
CRICKETDUDEMAD"S JOKES
_____________________________________
Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?
Because time will tell.
_____________________________
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
____________________________________
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
_____________________________________
What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?
The New York Jets!
______________________________________
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
______________________________________
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
_______________________________________
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
________________________________________
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
_____________________________________
Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?
Because time will tell.
_____________________________
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
____________________________________
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
_____________________________________
What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?
The New York Jets!
______________________________________
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
______________________________________
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
_______________________________________
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
________________________________________
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
