The Jokes Thread

Is wittiest/funniest answer competition a good idea?


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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
whats in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
 
This might be an old one but I'll tell it anyway...

Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne are walking off the ground for lunch during a test match and punter says to Warnie, "Mate, me and the boys are a bit worried about you."

Warnie replies "What about?"

Ponting says "Well what's with the womans g-string on your arm for?"

Warnie says "Oh that's my patch, I'm trying to give up."
 
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Tissue?

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Who
Who Who?
What are you-an owl?

Is that a gay comment anyway?:p
 
lol at that one CDM.:laugh

Here's one that I made myself.

What did the man say to the noodle?

Stay still you ba*****!!!:D
 
You know how noodles never stop swinging once you picked them with a fork. I experianced that.:laugh
 
I think he means b*stard. (Curse the filter, it's not even a swear word!)



Three ducks go into a bar...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?" he asked. "Great Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
 

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