The Jokes Thread

[jkartik]

Doctor Patient Jokes !

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Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don't do that.
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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill

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A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game

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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown

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Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

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[scorpion_rulezz]

Nice ones there jk

hi again guys
posting jokes after a long time
hope you guys will like them

The Cab Driver

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
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Old Dilapidated Boat

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.
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Giorgios Shoes

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers!, " Yes, Giorgio, I do , but how do you know that.

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance.

Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this true,"

Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says, "Thank God... thought I had a CRACK in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
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Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
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A Lot Of Explaining

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic.

"You impotent bas*tard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."
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Britney Spears 1998 - 1999

 

[nightprowler10]

LOL, the jokes here are hilarious. Here are some that I like:

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A young boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million dollars could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a moment, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two ****s and a fag."
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.

This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish.

"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
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[obzorbulosis]

LOL. What have you guys been smokin'?

 

[duffarama]

Great jokes everyone. Damn funny they are.
Nice work.

 

[DoN]

ROTF great jokes there guys
love those jokes very much
just carry on the tempo never stop please

 

[jkartik]

This is one of the BEST Jokes i ever heard.

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too." :rtfl

 

[jkartik]

Its Really Sad That very few members visit this forum

anyways some more jokes for ya ! Enjoy !

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Men Super Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

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Wife's Devotion

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, have sex with him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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In The Hotel Lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"

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Virgin Brides

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mom fainted.

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[scorpion_rulezz]

Its Really Sad That very few members visit this forum

Agreed

Coming back to jokes,All jokes posted were awesome dude
can't give you reps as message saying spread somewhere else before giving jk again
Keep them coming buddy
Thumbs up

 

[Gibbsrules]

Its about time that I made some input:


George Bush,Tony Blaire and Thabo Mbeki are all flying in airforce one over America and Bush says:"I can tell where were flying over"He sticks his hand out the window and says"We're flying over Chicago,I can feel the Sears tower".Later,they're flying over England and Blaire says"I can tell where we're flying over"He sticks his hand out the window and says"We're flying over London,I can feel Big Ben".Now,theyre flying over South Africa and Mbeki says"I can tell where were flying over."He sticks his hand out the window and says"We're flying over Johannesburg."Bush and Blaire ask him how he knows.He replies: "Oh,because my watch is gone."
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Nelson Mandela,Robert Mugabe and a School child are all in a plane that is going down,however there are only two parachutes.The three start fighting over who should be left behind.Mugabe finally has enough and shouts:"I am africas smartest president,so I should be allowed to go!"At this,he grabs one of the bags and jumps.This leaves Mandela and the boy."I am old,and you still have a long life ahead of you,so go,take the last parachute"he says to the boy.To this,the child says"Theres no need,there are still two parachutes. Africas smartest president took my backpack."

 

[fanirama]

Hahaha. LOL .....

Terrific jokes. Please keep them coming...

 

[DoN]

Hahaha. LOL .....

Terrific jokes. Please keep them coming...

yes please keep em coming
can't stop laughing

 

[T20]

LOL! I swear long long time ago I've heard Indian versions of the SA jokes. isn't this a joke?

Its Really Sad That very few members visit this forum

I think this is the best place on planet cricket other than India team fan club of course..both with active members and mods I'd call the cream of planet cricket

and then there are some worse places crawling with people like....hmmm why spoil the fun later may be..:boxing

well keep the jokes coming guys but remember to draw a line alright?

PS goodness me, don't duff and jk have a certain chemistry going?

^ a joke

 

[duffarama]

PS goodness me, don't duff and jk have a certain chemistry going?
^ a joke

LOL nice one.

Well the reason I chose to moderate this forum is because it is quite small and there isn't much activity to monitor. But hopefully more people become interested and I have more work to do.

Thanks to scorpion and all the other people who continue to post great jokes in this forum. Keep 'em coming folks!

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Thanks to scorpion and all the other people who continue to post great jokes in this forum. Keep 'em coming folks!

Thanks mate & other members who are contributing & keeping this thread alive
Here we go again

We've been robbed

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.

A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!"

His daughter says, "No, papa, I hide the money in my you-know-what."

The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"
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So many of those

An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway.

The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window
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Blonde Mom

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
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Blonde and her job interview

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead... " I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "
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Excellent Blondes

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
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A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
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Harry Butt

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.
She called it Harrybutt.
She had a child and named in Crack.
She lost Crack and couldn't find him.
So she called the police and said, " I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!"
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Blonde's Dream

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
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Bad Month for Car Sales

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fuc*king a*ss."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more a*ss this month, I'm going to lose my fuc*king car."
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