The Jokes Thread

[Sachin_007]

OK guyz hope u like this one?
Here it goes..

Q. Why was the cop in bed when it was time to go to work?
A. Because he was under cover.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

400th Post dedicated to my first thread

Nice ones there & thanks for the replies

Small update on jokes,Hope you guys will love them

Home For All Eternity

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."

"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it`s missing three keys,"

"Which three ? "

"Control,Alt and Delete."
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10 Blondes 1 Brunette

Problem: There are 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of all 11 of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.

But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.

All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.

Problem solved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde watching the news

A blonde and brunette sit watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatning to jump off a bridge.

the blonde says to the brunette i bet you ?100 that he doesn't jump the brunette replies ' ok i bet you ?100 that he does jump.

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

the blonde gets out ?100 and gives it to the brunette.

The brunette says 'i can't take your money.'

'Why not replies the blonde?'

'Because i watched the 12 '0' clock news and he was on then so i knew that he was going to jump.'

The blonde replied 'i watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE REASON NOT TO MESS WITH A KID

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reliterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLACK EYE

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "

But Dad, it was not my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny,"

the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
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[duffarama]

Nice ones there & thanks for the replies

Small update on jokes,Hope you guys will love them

Home For All Eternity

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."

"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it`s missing three keys,"

"Which three ? "

"Control,Alt and Delete."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 Blondes 1 Brunette

Problem: There are 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of all 11 of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.

But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.

All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.

Problem solved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde watching the news

A blonde and brunette sit watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatning to jump off a bridge.

the blonde says to the brunette i bet you ?100 that he doesn't jump the brunette replies ' ok i bet you ?100 that he does jump.

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

the blonde gets out ?100 and gives it to the brunette.

The brunette says 'i can't take your money.'

'Why not replies the blonde?'

'Because i watched the 12 '0' clock news and he was on then so i knew that he was going to jump.'

The blonde replied 'i watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE REASON NOT TO MESS WITH A KID

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reliterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLACK EYE

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "

But Dad, it was not my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny,"

the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
**********************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**********************************************************

Hilarious as usual Mr.Scorpion mate. I nearly fell off my seat.

 

[Adarsh]

Great jokes!

 

[Sachin_007]

LOL Jokes.........NICE!!

 

[Adarsh]

originally posted by scopion_rulez
BUG

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

This is scary look: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4653540.stm
It says on the last paragraph: "And in a case that became a popular sensation, John Wayne Bobbitt underwent reattachment surgery after his wife cut off a portion of his penis. She drove off with it and tossed it into a roadway, only for the missing portion to be recovered by police. The operation to reattach a penis is the same kind of surgery to repair a severed finger, but far less common. "

 

[Indiangod]

Nice ones there & thanks for the replies

Small update on jokes,Hope you guys will love them

Home For All Eternity

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."

"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it`s missing three keys,"

"Which three ? "

"Control,Alt and Delete."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 Blondes 1 Brunette

Problem: There are 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of all 11 of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.

But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.

All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.

Problem solved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde watching the news

A blonde and brunette sit watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatning to jump off a bridge.

the blonde says to the brunette i bet you ?100 that he doesn't jump the brunette replies ' ok i bet you ?100 that he does jump.

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

the blonde gets out ?100 and gives it to the brunette.

The brunette says 'i can't take your money.'

'Why not replies the blonde?'

'Because i watched the 12 '0' clock news and he was on then so i knew that he was going to jump.'

The blonde replied 'i watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE REASON NOT TO MESS WITH A KID

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reliterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLACK EYE

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "

But Dad, it was not my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny,"

the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
**********************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**********************************************************

LOL!............great jokes.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

LOL!!! Great jokes!!!!

 

[Big_Boss]

My Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...

 

[tassietiger]

This is a clever little riddle that I was told the other day.

Q: Why did the dentist tip water on his best friend's head?
A: Because the dentist was a ******.

 

[duffarama]

This is a clever little riddle that I was told the other day.

Q: Why did the dentist tip water on his best friend's head?
A: Because the dentist was a ******.

I demand you to private message to me the letters replaced by asterisks!
Because I don't get the joke...

 

[embi]

And now about 3 thousand people are gonna want the same thing.

Yes, please.

 

[Adarsh]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

 

[viral1991]

Ha Ha! I finally managed to complete the joke!

 

[Cowburn199]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

*scratches head*
That gave me a headache!
Funny though