Chapter 1- The Funeral
?Gotta go to the bathroom? gotta go to the bathroom?? Harry Potter repeated over and over in his mind until the words lost all meaning. He and Dudley had just spent the past two hours celebrating their graduation from their fifth years at school by having a soda drinking contest, which Harry won. Sadly, it was a pyrrhic victory. Harry had set a personal record by chugging down fifty-three cans of soda, and now he had to let it out? but where?
The restaurant in which the two of them had held the contest was just a small diner, it had no bathrooms, and it was on a busy street, with very few other businesses. All there was were houses, and Harry had to resist the urge to barge into one and demand to use the bathroom. The closest place they could seek refuge was Dudley?s house, but that was a little more than a mile away? could they make it?
?Why don?t you just use some magic and teleport us back home or something?? asked Dudley, looking extremely red in the face, and almost in pain.
?I can?t? I left my wand at home,? said Harry, wanting to hit himself in the head for doing so. He had been so used to just having his wand with him wherever he went that he forgot that he actually had to bring it with him in order to have it. Back at Hogwarts, it was normal to have his wand with him wherever he went.
Of course, nothing like that would be normal to us, only to Harry and the rest of the wizarding world. You see, despite what you may think from the contest, Harry Potter is not a normal boy. He is a fifteen year old, going on sixteen, wizard student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. There, he among many other students learn how to perform fabulous magic, and gain powers that could help them in dangerous situations, everyday life? or situations much like the one Harry was in now.
?Arg, if I had my wand I could just summon us a toilet or something,? groaned Harry and he walked slowly forward, the pain growing with each step.
?Oh, there has to be a place somewhere around here,? said Dudley, gripping his stomach and desperately turning his head in all directions.
Harry couldn?t help but smile. This was his and Dudley?s first time out doing something together, and actually enjoying each other?s company. For the past five years during summer vacations at Hogwarts, and for ten years before then, Dudley?s family, the Dursley?s, watched Harry. His parents were killed by the most terrible and vicious dark wizard in over a century: Voldemort. He attacked their house one night, to try and steal Harry from his parents. Both of his parents died in the attack, but Harry managed to survive due to his mother sacrificing her life for his. When Voldemort performed the killing curse on Harry, like he had done on hundreds of others, it just rebounded off of the invisible shield of love, and gave Harry only a small scar on his forehead.
When the curse rebounded back to Voldemort, it nearly killed him, turning him into a feeble spirit that wandered the world for thirteen years, trying to regain his former power. At the end of Harry?s fourth year at Hogwarts, Voldemort managed to resurrect himself, and rose to become even more horrible than before. Now, instead of trying to kill Harry, he has been trying to recruit him into his army of darkness.
Up until now, Harry hadn?t stopped worrying about Voldemort. But, at this moment, he had more pressing matters at hand; like his exploding bladder.
?Oh man, we?ve got to find a place quick!? yelled Dudley and Harry at the same time, surprising each other. After a quick laugh, they returned to their previous states, and continued looking.
Suddenly, a place appeared before them. It was the most glorious place in the world. It shone its magnificent light, becoming the greatest building of all. It was like a mirage in a desert, it was salvation in a city. It was?
?A funeral home!? exclaimed Harry, pointing it out to Dudley. His face suddenly perked up.
?Oh yeah, they have to have ?facilities? in there!? he said, looking happier than Harry had ever seen him. With every ounce of energy in them, the two boys ran toward the building, gritting their teeth, and trying to stop their eyes from watering. Finally, after what felt like hours, they reached the front door and burst inside.
?May I help you? gentlemen?? asked a man at a desk in front of them. At first, he had a pleasant tone, but then once he saw the condition of Harry and Dudley?s clothes (not at all appropriate for the place they were in) he immediately stuck his massive nose high in the air, stood up, and put on a snobbish attitude.
?Yes, do you have a bathroom anywhere?? gasped Harry.
?Well yes, but they are only for people visiting the deceased,? said the man, sticking his nose, if it was possible, higher into the air. ?Are you here to pay your respects??
?Um?? stuttered Harry.
?Yes? yes of course,? interjected Dudley. ?We?re here to? um? see grandma! Yeah, right! Grandma!? The man put his nose down slightly.
?Oh really? Well, Mrs. Perenelle is still accepting visitors,? he said, sitting down and pointing his arm in the direction of a long hallway. ?You may go see her.?
?Thanks,? groaned Harry and Dudley together quickly, running off as fast as they could.
?What did you think you were doing?? demanded Harry, elbowing Dudley in the side. ?What if they didn?t have any dead women? What then? Where would ?grandma? be??
?I dunno,? shrugged Dudley. ?We?d just run away I guess. Sometimes you?ve got to take a chance. I did, and it paid off!?
?We?re lucky it did,? said Harry. ?Now where?s the bathroom?? Both of them turned their heads in every direction, scanning the hallway, trying to find the familiar signs of a lavatory. Suddenly, Dudley tapped Harry on the back, gasping that he saw one. They ran over to it, faster than they had ever run in their lives; even faster, for Harry, than when he was trying to get away from Voldemort.
After several minutes, both boys left the bathroom, their tongues hanging out, feeling greatly relieved. Harry put his hand on Dudley?s shoulder.
?Let?s never do that again,? he said.
?Well, just don?t forget your wand next time and we?ll be okay.?
?Hey Dudley, what should we do about? her?? asked Harry, pointing to the room that the woman was in that they were supposed to be seeing as they walked by it.
?What about her??
?Well, it?s thanks to her that we were able to use the bathroom. The least we could do is thank her.?
?I guess so? let?s just make it quick.?
The two of them quickly popped into the small, slightly decorated room. Harry was surprised, however, at the lack of flowers or pictures. It was as if no one had been there, as if no one cared that she had died.
?Look at this,? said Dudley, reading the guest book. ?No one?s been here yet, and according to this, the wake ends in just a few minutes. Where is everyone??
?Maybe she didn?t have any friends or family,? suggested Harry, walking over to the open coffin. He looked in, and saw an extremely old woman inside. Her hair was pure white, with a small golden crown, and she looked at least one hundred years old, if not more. Her face was just a peach colored prune, and there were so many wavy wrinkles in her arms and hands, it was not hard to imagine someone surfing on them.
?Well? thanks,? whispered Harry to her, backing away slowly. ?Heh, you saved our lives?. Ready to go Dudley??
?Yep,? he said, putting down a pen.
?What were you doing with that?? asked Harry.
?I just put down our names in the guest book,? he responded. ?To make our story more believable..?
?Good thinking. Alright, let?s go.?
Both of them walked out of the home, trying to look like they were mourning. The man at the front appeared to have been satisfied with their look, he just nodded and went back to his work as they passed by.
?I hope you found your visit? relieving,? said the man.
?Oh yes, it was very relieving,? said Harry, trying not to burst out laughing as they walked out of the door.
The two of them walked the rest of the way back to Dudley?s house, still laughing and reminiscing about their little adventure. Just when they were reliving the best part, Mrs. Figg, their old neighbor (who happened to be a witch and a teacher at Hogwarts) shouted out to them.
?Hello Harry!? she yelled from her door, walking outside.
?Hello Mrs. Figg,? said Harry, walking over to her.
?Oh? hello there Dudley,? she said. ?Not used to seeing you two together.?
?Yeah, me and Harry have kind of?become friends since last summer.?
?Oh, well that?s nice.?
?What did you want to tell me, Mrs. Figg?? asked Harry.
?Oh yes! Well, I wanted to tell you that I will not be teaching this year at Hogwarts.?
?What? Why not?? asked Harry, feeling extremely upset. ?You were one of the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers I?ve ever had? the entire school has ever had!?
?Well, teaching just isn?t my thing, Harry. I much prefer actually being out there fighting the dark forces than teaching how to do it. I only did it last year because there were no others willing to do it, and I felt as though I owed that school something. But, you don?t have to worry; someone just as good, if not better than me is taking my place.?
?Oh I doubt that,? said Harry. ?But who is??
?Professor Quirrell.?
?What!?? yelled Harry, almost knocking himself and Mrs. Figg over. ?But, he died five years ago! He was a servant to Voldemort!?
?Oh no no no no no,? said Mrs. Figg, waving her arms. ?That was Larry Quirrell. This is Jerry Quirrell, his twin brother.?
?He had a twin brother?? asked Harry.
?Yes, and you know how they say when twins are born, one is supposedly evil, and the other is good? Well, before I knew the Quirrell children, I never believed that. But, they are a perfect example of that theory. Larry was foul, and Jerry is lovely.?
?Well, I hope so,? said Harry, still not feeling too sure. He personally fought Quirrell at the end of his first year at Hogwarts, and it was not a very pleasant experience, nor was it especially easy. ?But why are you telling me now??
?Harry, unlike students, teachers do not have the summers off. Me, among many others, are still quite busy at work, trying to keep the world we live in a safe one. I will be gone for the rest of summer, and wouldn?t have a chance to tell you. I figured it would be better for you to hear it from me rather than just find out on the first day of school.?
?Oh okay,? said Harry. ?But, one more thing. Is Snape going to teach Potions again this year, or is someone else?? Mrs. Figg let out a laugh.
?I?m afraid so, Harry,? she said. ?Snape will be back.?
?Too bad,? sighed Harry. ?I lose a good teacher and gain a bad one, both in the same year. It?d be nice if Lupin could come back? or Sirius.?
?I don?t think Sirius will be coming back anytime soon,? she groaned. ?Ever since last year, with Cornelius Fudge having been revealed for what he was, the Ministry of Magic has been extremely desperate to show that they can do something right. So, they went back to their old attempt at catching Sirius.?
?He?s evaded them before, I?m sure he can do it again.?
?I?m not so certain, Harry,? she admitted. ?This time, the Ministry is using very advanced magic to find him; especially one spell, the Possession Position Spell. If they get a hold of something that they know belongs to Sirius, they can immediately find him no matter where he is on Earth. I?ve heard he?s trying to give most of his stuff away to his most trusted friends to try and avoid it.?
?I hope they don?t get him?? said Harry, feeling a little worried.
?Now don?t fret too much,? said Mrs. Figg. ?I do not want you to lose sleep over this.?
?Speaking of which?? moaned Harry, trying to indicate that he wanted to leave.
?Ah yes, it is getting late,? said Mrs. Figg, walking back to her door. ?I?ll see you boys later!?
?Goodbye Mrs. Figg,? yelled Harry, running up to the door to the Dursley?s house alongside Dudley. ?And? good luck!?
?Who?s Snape?? asked Dudley when Harry opened the door, having a very dumbfounded look on his face. Harry merely laughed as they walked in. Dudley was so oblivious to Harry?s world, it was funny.
?Where have you two been!?? scorned Harry?s Aunt Petunia the second they stepped inside, as if she had just been standing there, waiting to pounce.
?Will you shut it mom,? said Dudley, closing the door. ?I?ll be sixteen in just a few days, I think I can take care of myself.?
?Well of course you can take care of yourself in a normal situation, Dudley,? she said. ?But, whenever? he?s around (she pointed to Harry) the situation can never be normal.? Dudley just sighed at her response. Unlike him, the rest of the Dursleys had not yet come to respect the fact that Harry was a wizard, and nothing was going to change that. Dudley waved his arm, indicating to Harry to come into the living room and partake in their favorite activity (even more than soda chugging): watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
?Did I tell you watching this movie saved me during a test last year?? asked Harry.
?Hah! and they said memorizing it would never pay off!?
?Oh yeah, and there?s something else I?ve been meaning to tell you Dudley? oh? what was it???
?Well, out with it!? he said, taking the movie out of its cover.
?Oh? it was?. Oh man, it?s on the tip of my tongue!? said Harry, snapping his fingers.
?Come on! Use your magic or something to remember!?
?Oh yeah! That?s it, I remember now!?
?What is it??
?Dudley? you?re a wizard.?
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