jim555
School Cricketer
Did you hear about the man with no ears?
Neither did he.
Neither did he.
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
gudduthemaster
International Cricketer
Lol sorry,I saw later :doh
blazerix
County Cricketer
I'm back with more. These are definitely not as good as the other ones. Oh well.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven? " Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven. " They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol.... " Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you? " "Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven? " "Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news. " "Gimme the good news first," said Sol. Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven. " Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? " Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other... A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5. " Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O. K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four? " The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question? " Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says,
"Alright then " and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says "Alright then " and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army. "
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard? " The
Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service! "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don? t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. "
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas. "
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the
Carribean? "
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home. "
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation? " The woman replies, "I'm a whore. " The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. " The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute. ". "No, that is still too crude. Try again. " They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer. " The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute? ". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
Washington, DC.
He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store? "
"What? " the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States
Senate? "
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen,
I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway. "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven? " Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven. " They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol.... " Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you? " "Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven? " "Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news. " "Gimme the good news first," said Sol. Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven. " Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? " Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other... A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5. " Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O. K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four? " The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question? " Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says,
"Alright then " and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says "Alright then " and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army. "
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard? " The
Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service! "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don? t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. "
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas. "
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the
Carribean? "
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home. "
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation? " The woman replies, "I'm a whore. " The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. " The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute. ". "No, that is still too crude. Try again. " They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer. " The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute? ". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
Washington, DC.
He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store? "
"What? " the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States
Senate? "
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen,
I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway. "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AkshayS
Chairman of Selectors
Quality ones dude.:banana2:banana2:laugh:laugh
Blazing blazerix.
Blazing blazerix.
P
pcfan123
Guest
Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June."
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the thermostat to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."
The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Astros have finally won the World Series!"
hMarka added 3 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must be cats!” and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, “Potatoes!”
hMarka added 2 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
hMarka added 11 Minutes and 38 Seconds later...
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the thermostat to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."
The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Astros have finally won the World Series!"
hMarka added 3 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must be cats!” and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, “Potatoes!”
hMarka added 2 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
hMarka added 11 Minutes and 38 Seconds later...
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
TheGreemSim
International Cricketer
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2009
- Online Cricket Games Owned
MaD
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2008
- Location
- Sydney, Australia
Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June."
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the thermostat to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."
The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Astros have finally won the World Series!"
Hmmm, what does the Astros winning the world series have to do with that, explain?
THe rest of the jokes are hilarious :laugh
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the thermostat to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."
The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Astros have finally won the World Series!"
Hmmm, what does the Astros winning the world series have to do with that, explain?
THe rest of the jokes are hilarious :laugh
P
pcfan123
Guest
Because the Astros are so bad that if they won the World Series then it means hell has frozen over...........
drainpipe32
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2008
- Online Cricket Games Owned
Prithvi
10 years at Planetcricket
Three Sardars go to loot a bank.
They don't have guns but still they looted.
How??
How??
The bank Manager is a blonde.
She said "No worries. I believe you! You can show me the gun tomorrow"
:rtfl
They don't have guns but still they looted.
How??
How??
The bank Manager is a blonde.
She said "No worries. I believe you! You can show me the gun tomorrow"
:rtfl
MaD
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2008
- Location
- Sydney, Australia
lol
AkshayS
Chairman of Selectors
lol.:laugh
best one mate.:laugh
best one mate.:laugh
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
I played eye spy with the dog, "i spy with my little eye something beginning with C". She gave up eventually, the correct answer was Colours.
TumTum
International Cricketer
"Colours" is not an object :doh
