The Jokes Thread

[AkshayC]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

[pcfan123]

A couple was sitting around their apartment; she was clipping coupons while he was reading the bible. The man said to his wife, "You know honey, everything you ever wanted to know about life is in here."
She returned, "Well, maybe not EVERYTHING."
He replied back, "Sure, just name one thing I can't find in here."
She said, "PMS--you won't find anything about it in there."
He began flipping through the pages, going from one chapter to another, pausing for a few seconds only before going on to the next page. After about 10 minutes, he looked up at his wife and said, "Aha! Here it is, I told you everything was in here."
Then he proceeded to begin reading the script "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass..."

 

[Themer]

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

 

[Biggy]

The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'

'Well, you're just the man for the job.'

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

Thanks for redeeming this thread Themer.

 

[pcfan123]

 

[Gurjot95]

Daughter : Hey
Mum me and my boyfriend are just
going to my room.
Mum : '' Ok dont do anything stupid ''
Mum hears her daughter screaming
''BAABBY BAABBY BAABBYY OOHHHH''
Mum rushes up stairs
Mum : ''what are you doing !?
Daughter : ''Get out mum we are
having sex !
Mum : ''Ohhh thank god, I thought you were listening to Justin Bieber.
_________________________________________________
When I was a KID:
Pussy meant CAT,
Sex meant GENDER,
Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,
Dick was a NAME,
BJ was a NICK-NAME,
Bang was a SOUND,
Rubber was just like PLASTIC,
Ass was an ANIMAL,
Screw was just a NUT,
Tit was a SNACK,
Head meant a part of BODY !!
But Now ____________
Everything is just Damn Complicated .???.... :-P XD

 

[sami ullah khan]

Good to see Jokes coming back to the Jokes thread

 

[Themer]

What's Islam and a sat-nav got in common?

You think you're on the right path, but follow them literally and you'll end up smashing into a tweaking building

 

[AkshayC]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[Themer]

Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.

Amy says, "Oh Michael are you here to greet me because I'm a musical genius like you?"

Michael turns to St Peter and says, "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?"

 

[Themer]

Karachi Xpress, I couldn't give a rats arse.

 

[Biggy]

Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.

Amy says, "Oh Michael are you here to greet me because I'm a musical genius like you?"

Michael turns to St Peter and says, "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?"

lmao, did someone complain?

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Oh, snap. Bit soon maybe?

 

[Biggy]

Oh, snap. Bit soon maybe?

Yeah, he only died 2 years ago...

 

[pcfan123]

- Candle under a Spoon - Elton John (tribute to Winehouse)