The Jokes Thread

[kamrandahir]

CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSES FOR WOMEN

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

9. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, Not the First.

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

15. Introduction to Parking.

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs, and Butter.

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

25. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

29. Ballet: For Women Only.

30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.

32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.

 

[hondeyho]

Nice ones Kamrandhir

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7840237677621889423&q=dan+quayle

Former-Vice President Dan Quayle mucks up his speeches

Another Quayle error, he asked a 12-Year Old to spell 'Potato'

The Kid spelt P-O-T-A-T-O, but Quayle insisted he add an E on the end so in the end he spelt it 'Potatoe', which is wrong.

Later a Kid was asked, 'The Vice-President spelt Potato wrong, what do you think of that'

The small Girl replied, 'I think he's an idiot'

 

[BigCrickNan]

Heres a really great joke, really funny:

ROBERT

 

[hondeyho]

Heres a really great joke, really funny:

ROBERT

I doubt people in PC understand the hilarity of that joke, or who Robert is.

 

[duffarama]

I doubt people in PC understand the hilarity of that joke, or who Robert is.

Then maybe one of you could explain it to us.

 

[blackleopard92]

I wonder what a kiss is in your mind Leo.

actually now u mention it, I was just kissed by a female.




It was a female mosquito.I caught her in the act, and gave her a nice slap on the back.a slap, which, for obvious reasons, she would forget instantly.

 

[usy]

Here is a joke I made up myself, maybe harsh to some hardcore C. Ronaldo Fans , and perfect for English Fans.

NOTE: it may not be that funny .

---------------------------

Q: Why did footballs fans went away in the middle of the match?

A: Because they though they were in a swimming contest.

 

[nightprowler10]

Hangman with a twist:

http://www.sfpg.com/animation/nun/nun.html

 

[banana man]

good jokes everyone. here are a couple

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[moza1]

Nice jokes Bananna Man.

 

[usy]

Body: one day an 8 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

 

[F4rrukh]

LOL!!!!! Great find Usy, just great! i love it!

 

[usy]

It was for all the people who don't have heads, and they like football.

 

[Pak_cricketer]

Haha, ha lol, Great!

 

[prarara]

Here is a joke I made up myself, maybe harsh to some hardcore C. Ronaldo Fans , and perfect for English Fans.

NOTE: it may not be that funny .

---------------------------

Q: Why did footballs fans went away in the middle of the match?

A: Because they though they were in a swimming contest.