The Jokes Thread

[Karachi Xpress]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
They're asking $100 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"Most people are giving about a gallon."

 

[::SolidSnake::]

typed this in wrong thread so here...

Umm dont think I'm going to be allowed to say all of this or not put words in but my mate today reminded me of a teenage joke that used to go around...sorry if its to explicit...

There 3 brother Sh!t, Mannors and Fyou (if you know what I mean )

Sh!t gets run over, FYou is speeding and the police stop him and ask...'wahts your name' he says 'FYou'

Ploice say 'wheres your mannors' he replies 'Picking up sh!t from the corner'

I found this so amusing some of you might not but I hope you see the well amusing side of it?

 

[mattfb]

i've heard that one before.... Its Gold!

 

[rzilla_dsv]

Why did the football coach give his player's lighters??

Because they kept on losing their matches!

I know alot more, but i've just gone blank!

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Women are complex creatures?..

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don?t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don?t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don?t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don?t , she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don?t , you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it?s bad
If you don?t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn?t respect her
If you don?t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it?s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that?s a girl?s way
If you visit another man, you?re not putting in ?quality time?
If she is visited by another woman, ?Oh it?s natural, we are girls?
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short :
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful???.WOMEN !??..

 

[DJ Ager]

Why do ghosts make good spin bowlers?

Because they bowl good ghoul-gglies

 

[Cowburn199]

That's so lame it's almost funny

 

[Karachi Xpress]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did
you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"

 

[manee]

Nice one, that was a good one.

 

[DJ Ager]

The Bride's Tale

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were

spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and

began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong

with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet

so gross? "I had tolio as a child," he answered."You mean polio?" she

asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

"When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her

nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and

deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she

asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my

knees."

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear

and his bride wrinkled her nose for a third time.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess........... Smallcox?"

 

[Karachi Xpress]

NASA Experiment

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"


3 People in a Airplane

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a gernade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

Locked Out of Car

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

 

[usy]

An apple a day, keeps the doctor away,
If the doctor is lady throw the apple away.

 

[kamrandahir]

Please Don't Tell

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get
married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was,
and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son
but I have to. The girl
you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The
young man again
brought three more names to his old man, but ended up more frustrated
cause the response was
still the same.
So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love,
dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry
any of those girls.
You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

 

[manee]

Wahey, great joke there.

 

[kamrandahir]

Women r like an internet Virus, They enter ur Life, Scan ur pockets, Transfer
money, Edit ur mind, Download their problems Delete ur smile & Hang u 4ever.
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NOBODY likes U, NOBODY cares for U, NOBODY misses U, NOBODY wants to see U good, NOBODY is Ur best friend, NOBODY is happy with U, ...Dont cry!!! My name is NOBODY.
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