The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
----------------------------
A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?"
"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."
"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"I'd be a Liverpool fan."
----------------------------
A lady and her best friend go on holiday to the caribbean and meet a muscular man. After a week of fantastic threesome sex they ask his name. He says my name is snow. The ladies start laughingm, he asks what they are laughing at. They reply our husbands will never believe we had 10 inch of snow in the caribbean.
----------------------------
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Geh lost, ye'll no bring it back!"
----------------------
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after
his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
----------------------------
A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?"
"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."
"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"I'd be a Liverpool fan."
----------------------------
A lady and her best friend go on holiday to the caribbean and meet a muscular man. After a week of fantastic threesome sex they ask his name. He says my name is snow. The ladies start laughingm, he asks what they are laughing at. They reply our husbands will never believe we had 10 inch of snow in the caribbean.
----------------------------
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Geh lost, ye'll no bring it back!"
----------------------
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after
his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Lol! Nice ones again phil! :laugh
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
Adebayor's wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the idiot.
So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."
The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."
So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."
The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."
Gah! Jaztheman
Chairman of Selectors
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Leicester Fox
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2006
- Online Cricket Games Owned
A man sees a woman in a shop with 6 eggs and some lettuce in her basket.
"Are you single?" He asks.
"impressive. How did you know?" She replies.
"Because you're ugly" he says Shamelessly stolen from nuts
"Are you single?" He asks.
"impressive. How did you know?" She replies.
"Because you're ugly" he says
Shamelessly stolen from nutsJaztheman
Chairman of Selectors
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get a mars bar!
Get it? Dont worry, the chicken didn't either. He only had 20p!
To get a mars bar!
Get it? Dont worry, the chicken didn't either. He only had 20p!
A man sees a woman in a shop with 6 eggs and some lettuce in her basket.
"Are you single?" He asks.
"impressive. How did you know?" She replies.
"Because you're ugly" he says
That's awesome. But I've heard it before. Didn't stop me from LOLing though
50K vCash for you, honourable mention...
Kev
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2004
- Online Cricket Games Owned
It's not original, but it made me smile
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Dr. Pepper
Chairman of Selectors
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Iunno.
Lol...
Who's there?
Iunno.
Lol...
