The Jokes Thread

[ZoraxDoom]

Nope, I've heard it before!

Reminds me of another one -

A woman walks into a bus with her dog.
A Man asks, "What are you doing with a pig?"
She says "Hmmph, it's a dog!"
And he says "I know, I was talking to the dog"

 

[PhilD123]

Bloody hell Zorax, you're a hard man to please!

 

[Will_NA]

I already posted this one but:

A woman had just found out that she was about to die.
Hearing this, in an hysterical fit, she ran out on to the street and screamed,
'I've just found out I'm going to die but before I do, I want someone to make me feel like a real woman again.'
Hearing this poor woman's cries, a kind man rapidly removed his shirt and said,









'Here! Iron this!'

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Bloody hell Zorax, you're a hard man to please!

There is a reason why I'm willing to put 600K vCash up here Keep it up another day, I may raise it to 750...


Nice try Will, I haven't heard it before, but it isn't funny enough...

 

[Will_NA]

I give up lol!

Fine, one more.

3 men were assigned to come up with a name for the pub.
Ever the patriots, they decided they should name it after the queen.
They came up with several ideas - 'The Queen's eyes, the Queen's Head and the Queen's Nose'
They eventually decided on 'The Queen's Legs'

Just then, a police officer came by and asked the men what they were doing to which they replied,


'We're waiting for The Queen's Legs to open so we can have a drink.

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Oh God, that's terrible!

Next!

 

[PhilD123]

Paddy is on a quizshow and the quiz master asks him to name 4 wild animals

'Errrrmmm thats a tough one to be sure' replies Paddy, 'eerrrmmm I'm gonna go for 3 lions and a tiger'
----------------------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
---------------------
Paddy and Mick are walking along the road when Mick gets knocked down by a car, Paddy quickly call for an ambulance.

Operator: Helllo can i help?

Paddy: I need an ambulance my mate Mick has been knocked down by a car

Operator: Ok keep calm, whats the name of the road you are on?

Paddy: It's extramediosist street

Operator: Can you spell that for me please?

The line goes silent for two minutes.....

Operator: hello are you there?



















Paddy: Sorry I've just dragged him to Oak Street
------------------------
A mate of mine asked me if I wanted to do a 10km fun run this weekend. I said I couldn't be arsed. "Go on," he said "It's for handicapped kids." 'Brilliant!' I thought. 'I could win this!'.
------------------------
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Love the second one...:laugh

 

[mattfb]

Why did the chicken cross the road with scissors?

To cut corners!

 

[shubhrayu]

Paddy is on a quizshow and the quiz master asks him to name 4 wild animals

'Errrrmmm thats a tough one to be sure' replies Paddy, 'eerrrmmm I'm gonna go for 3 lions and a tiger'
----------------------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
---------------------
Paddy and Mick are walking along the road when Mick gets knocked down by a car, Paddy quickly call for an ambulance.

Operator: Helllo can i help?

Paddy: I need an ambulance my mate Mick has been knocked down by a car

Operator: Ok keep calm, whats the name of the road you are on?

Paddy: It's extramediosist street

Operator: Can you spell that for me please?

The line goes silent for two minutes.....

Operator: hello are you there?



















Paddy: Sorry I've just dragged him to Oak Street
------------------------
A mate of mine asked me if I wanted to do a 10km fun run this weekend. I said I couldn't be arsed. "Go on," he said "It's for handicapped kids." 'Brilliant!' I thought. 'I could win this!'.
------------------------
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."

Second one is the best

 

[SciD]

Tech Jokes:

1) One picture is worth 128K words.

2)The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.

3)The difference between Microsoft and 'Jurassic Park':
In one, a crazy businessman makes a lot of money with beasts that should be
extinct. The other one is a film.

4)The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.

5)Windows 98: Not Plug & Play, but Bug & Pay!

6)Windows 98: Use for 98 days and throw it away!

7)import xmlrpclib
srv = xmlrpclib.Server('http://www.microsoft.com/')
for employee in srv.MainDepartment.personnel(): srv.fireEmployee(employee)

8)Question:What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
Answer: A canary with the super-user password.

9)Linux doesn't need no viruses. The users **** up the system by themselves.

10)Press any key to continue, or any other key to cancel.

11)Lost packet, 42 bytes, last seen on a saturated OC3, reward $$$.

12)Why do geeks think Halloween and Christmas occur on the same day?
Because 31oct = 25dec!

13)There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary
and those who don't.

14)This is an object-oriented system. If we change anything, the users object.

15)C++ is a loaded machine gun pointed at your feet with the safety off.

 

[bladescape]

An ad joke:
Why break your dishes washing up by hand,do it automaticly with our roter rack dish washer!

 

[Niv]

Not bad Niv...but not good enough. Worth a smile at the least, but didn't make me LOL...

Unfortunately if I post one that will make you LOL, I'll likely get banned :P

When the woman says:

"This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff are all on the floor
you will be without clothes
if you don't wash them now!"

the male ear only understands:

bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now!

______

How do you make a squirrel scream?

Pinch his nuts

_____

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big breasts who owns a liquor store and a boat.

Amen.


How are those? I'm determined now 8D

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Not good enough Niv!

Phil got close with the dwarf one and the politics one, but not close enough.

C'mon people, you can do better!!

 

[PhilD123]

Unfortunately if I post one that will make you LOL, I'll likely get banned :P

Aye, thats the problem. I feel I've gone against Political correctness enough in mine already, and if I went further, would not even be scraping the barrels of decency.