The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
1) U can study and get any certificates.
But u cannot get ur death certificate
2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection
But when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH
3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college.
But U cannot bcom a president if u studies in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ...
But u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop
5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic
But a software engineer cannot bcom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup.
But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard
But u cannot find mother in motherboard..............
But u cannot get ur death certificate
2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection
But when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH
3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college.
But U cannot bcom a president if u studies in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ...
But u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop
5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic
But a software engineer cannot bcom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup.
But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard
But u cannot find mother in motherboard..............
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
Jaz's last one is class. Zorax your just to hard to please.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant!
___
I had a fisherman?'s lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
___
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
___
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks "What happened to you?",
"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, I found one stuck in a cows bottom, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that
___
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
___
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
___
Fast Freddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Freddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a ?100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Freddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finnish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for ?300, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The b*stard had all 5p's!"
___
I'm starting to run out of clean jokes now...
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant!
___
I had a fisherman?'s lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
___
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
___
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks "What happened to you?",
"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, I found one stuck in a cows bottom, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that
___
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
___
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
___
Fast Freddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Freddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a ?100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Freddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finnish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for ?300, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The b*stard had all 5p's!"
___
I'm starting to run out of clean jokes now...
Got from an Indian guy
Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Matric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance. ...?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Punctured!!!
Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Matric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance. ...?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Punctured!!!
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
LOL! :rtfl
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
LOL Niv your last one is great.
I can't help it if I've heard every joke before!!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant!
___
I had a fisherman?'s lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
___
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
___
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks "What happened to you?",
"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, I found one stuck in a cows bottom, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that
___
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
___
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
___
Fast Freddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Freddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a ?100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Freddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finnish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for ?300, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The b*stard had all 5p's!"
___
I'm starting to run out of clean jokes now...
And the bolded ones with it for you! About time too. Congrats, you are 600K richer
zammipspman
School Cricketer
Love Most of them 
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
HAHAHAH! Love the last one Niv! :laugh
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Ok new challenge!
Since I have no need for Vcash, the first person to tell 10 different jokes that I haven't heard before, and that are worthy of my personal stash wins every last Vdollar I own.
I will allow jokes innapropriate for the forum to be PM'd to me.
Get cracking! :P
Since I have no need for Vcash, the first person to tell 10 different jokes that I haven't heard before, and that are worthy of my personal stash wins every last Vdollar I own.
I will allow jokes innapropriate for the forum to be PM'd to me.
Get cracking! :P
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'
Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'
Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'
Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'
Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!
No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yogy added 3 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...
How To Rob a Bank
Tip #1 - Decide to rob a bank.
Tip #2 - Have a plan.
Tip #3 - Have a back-up plan.
Tip #4 - Establish clear communications.
Tip #5 - Choose your partners carefully.
Tip #6 - Expect the unexpected.
Tip #7 - **** happens.
Tip #8 - Don't get greedy.
Tip #9 - Remember, **** happens.
Tip #10 - Hang up and know when to walk away.
From the movie - 'how To Rob A Bank'
yogy added 1 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...
Girl' is the only thing about which brain uses maximum resource but comes with no output.
Rahul was waiting for his love ...
"30 minutes late!!” his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... Oh there she is"
"Scold her OK?” his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Ramya comes with the cutest smile and says "I’m sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"
"What if you had said that line buddy?” shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"
Rahul ignored his brain ... "Its OK honey ... it’s only half an hour ... no problem"
She smiled once again... held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"
"OMG!!!” thought Rahul ....
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I don’t care about"
Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. Multiple search .......... complete memory scan.
Ramya stared at Rahul.... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"
"Huh!!!” he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong ... was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain ...
"Damn!!” thought Rahul
"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?” she asked.
Rahul is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?” Said the brain
"OK OK ...stop pushing me"
"Honey ... U know my lousy memory ... I guess I can’t recall what today is"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she shouted ... and started crying.
"How could you forget!!? ..... It’s my doggy's birthday"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
Rahul was dumbfounded.
"What the hell am I supposed to do know?” he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized ... don’t worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast ...Brainy"
The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Rahul.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"
She looked up with utter surprise...
"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"
She stood up angrily and left.
Rahul and his brain were left there clueless....
"Ah! Screw u guys... I'm going home", said his brain and left.
yogy added 2 Minutes and 7 Seconds later...
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
yogy added 3 Minutes and 11 Seconds later...
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
yogy added 1 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
Hi Folks ,
This is a "fresh of the press " reply to add in matrimonial column....This is a actual transliteration.
Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bengaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter a nd I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon..
yogy added 44 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...
COMPUTER WITH WINDOWS
Santa enters a store that sell curtains.
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'
Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'
Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'
Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'
Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!
No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yogy added 3 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...
How To Rob a Bank
Tip #1 - Decide to rob a bank.
Tip #2 - Have a plan.
Tip #3 - Have a back-up plan.
Tip #4 - Establish clear communications.
Tip #5 - Choose your partners carefully.
Tip #6 - Expect the unexpected.
Tip #7 - **** happens.
Tip #8 - Don't get greedy.
Tip #9 - Remember, **** happens.
Tip #10 - Hang up and know when to walk away.
From the movie - 'how To Rob A Bank'
yogy added 1 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...
Girl' is the only thing about which brain uses maximum resource but comes with no output.
Rahul was waiting for his love ...
"30 minutes late!!” his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... Oh there she is"
"Scold her OK?” his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Ramya comes with the cutest smile and says "I’m sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"
"What if you had said that line buddy?” shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"
Rahul ignored his brain ... "Its OK honey ... it’s only half an hour ... no problem"
She smiled once again... held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"
"OMG!!!” thought Rahul ....
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I don’t care about"
Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. Multiple search .......... complete memory scan.
Ramya stared at Rahul.... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"
"Huh!!!” he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong ... was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain ...
"Damn!!” thought Rahul
"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?” she asked.
Rahul is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?” Said the brain
"OK OK ...stop pushing me"
"Honey ... U know my lousy memory ... I guess I can’t recall what today is"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she shouted ... and started crying.
"How could you forget!!? ..... It’s my doggy's birthday"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
Rahul was dumbfounded.
"What the hell am I supposed to do know?” he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized ... don’t worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast ...Brainy"
The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Rahul.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"
She looked up with utter surprise...
"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"
She stood up angrily and left.
Rahul and his brain were left there clueless....
"Ah! Screw u guys... I'm going home", said his brain and left.
yogy added 2 Minutes and 7 Seconds later...
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
yogy added 3 Minutes and 11 Seconds later...
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
yogy added 1 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
Hi Folks ,
This is a "fresh of the press " reply to add in matrimonial column....This is a actual transliteration.
Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bengaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter a nd I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon..
yogy added 44 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...
COMPUTER WITH WINDOWS
Santa enters a store that sell curtains.
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
