The Jokes Thread

[El Loco]

Fair do's

 

[1iram1]

Says the guy who Dutchad originally directed the comment at.

 

[Villain]

Removed, lame joke.

 

[pcfan123]

Santa does not grant wishes. Premise of joke is flawed

 

[spooony]

I was in Beijing the other night when I saw a dog barking at my face.

I called out, "Waiter, this doesn't seemed to be cooked properly."

 

[spooony]

A baby seal walks into a club..l

 

[Ahmad94]

A baby seal walks into a club..l

I just got that one, lot of effort for a joke

 

[AbhishekS]

A baby seal walks into a club..l

Coincidentally a friend told me the same joke yesterday, "A seal walked into the bar"

 

[spooony]

Coincidentally a friend told me the same joke yesterday, "A seal walked into the bar"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub ...
... to watch Wales play in the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup

 

[VC the slogger]

Bill Stevens and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.

Stevens tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time.

When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."

"Why were they so grateful?" Stevens asks.

The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill Stevens's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

 

[spooony]

Bomb explosion at a maul in Bradford. Police report thousands of pounds worth of improvements....

 

[ved_]

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[spooony]

If Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then Chelsea will be left with no option but to make him captain

 

[Ahmad94]

Bomb explosion at a maul in Bradford. Police report thousands of pounds worth of improvements....

This is the funniest now yet on this thread

 

[Gurjot95]

I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "flingin' large ones" is not the correct answer.